For any adult who has been abused or neglected as a child they will experience significant psychological and emotional distress. Unlike an adult going through a trauma, a child is being traumatized during the most important time of his or her life. The learning of assumptions about themselves and other people and how the world is formed from their young perspective. The child is trying to establish their own ideas of self, their emotions and how this fits in with their family and society. The child is also learning about relationships, how to function in these and what skills to learn.

Abuse or neglect impacts on all areas of the adult’s life; emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

Survivors of childhood abuse can often experience an intense range of emotions without understanding why they feel that way as the underlying meaning of the emotion is often deeply seated. Some of the emotions experienced can include anxiety, worry, despair, shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, fear, grief, sadness and anger. These emotions are most commonly linked to high levels of anxiety, depression, thoughts of suicide, self-harm, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse as a form of self-medicating and relationship difficulties. The physical impact abuse and neglect have into adulthood may be poor sleep, difficulty regulating emotions, lower immune system functioning and increased illnesses. The spiritual impact may be a crisis of faith, no faith at all or a constant yearning to feel ‘whole’ again, believing that some form of self-punishment has been deserved and repenting is needed to cleanse the self before inner peace can be restored.

When an adult experiences trauma you already have a stable foundation of life and yourself, but the child has none of this preparation. This is what makes the after effects so much more impactful as you become an adult and begin to form a life and relationships around the uncertainties of the child you were. This explains why areas in your life can seem so challenging, as you haven’t understood the deep and ingrained patterns of rejection and lack of self-confidence that tie you to experiences and circumstances that mirror this. Low self-esteem and lack of self-worth affect decisions or the lack thereof and an ability to cope with life stressors. Trauma has a significant impact on your adult relationships and the type of personality traits you are drawn to ie. It is common to gravitate towards abusive or controlling partners. You are mostly likely feeling broken and confused by the life you’ve landed yourself in, but this is not permanent. The layers can be peeled back, and understood and recreated so that new, positive habits can be formed.

Trauma experienced by the child has a direct impact on their emotional responses. Often, the affected child has trouble identifying, expressing and managing their emotions. For some children, they may have a limited vocabulary so are unable to verbally express the feelings they have inside, instead they act out these feelings through negative behaviours such as hitting, biting and lashing out. Their feelings may become internalised as they withdraw and become overly compliant, leading to depression or high levels of anxiety. Physical aspects of children can also be impacted on as trauma affects their development and cognitive abilities. This may be exhibited through poor concentration, poor attention and focus, not listening, seeming far away in thought and poor follow through of tasks. Feeling unsafe in the world is verbalised through every day and routine activities. Nightmares, night terrors, bed wetting, a fear of being alone or in the dark are also common associations with children who have experienced trauma.

You can begin to offer yourself the support you need on your journey of healing by taking care of all aspects of yourself. Eat nutritiously, drink plenty of water, sleep adequately and give yourself the time you need to begin moving forward. Here are a few tips to get you started…

Deep breathing helps to regulate your nervous system, leaving you feeling calmer, less anxious and more in control. Focus on repeating a mantra during your breathing that puts you at ease and reassures you that you are secure ie. “I am safe”.

Be present by focusing on your ‘here and now’. Don’t allow your mind to get lost in the thoughts of what happened or what could have happened. Remind yourself that in this moment you are safe, going about your daily routine, doing what you do every day. Emphasize the fact that you are safe as many times as you need to reassure yourself.

Connect with support groups where you can be around people who know what you are going through and who can share the experience.  

Avoid alcohol or drugs when you are working through difficult emotions as this will only amplify what you are experiencing later on. Using alcohol or substances as an escape is a clear sign that you need help.

Avoid isolating yourself as tempting as this may be. Go out and surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Allow yourself to feel safe around those you know well and are comfortable to be vulnerable around.

Journaling your thoughts and emotions, especially if you feel overwhelmed by them, can be a cleansing experience. Empty yourself of whatever negative thoughts and ideas you have inside your mind. Avoid re-reading what you have written, keep yourself moving forward through the feelings so you don’t become trapped by them.

Sharing your story

If you are reading this, your story is likely to be the centre of your reality. Our stories are closely guarded for much of our lives, but for any survivor of abuse sharing your story with someone close to you, be it friends, family or a professional, this is an important step forward in your recovery and healing. Think about what you will say and who you trust enough to share this part of yourself with. Sometimes writing down your experience and sharing this can be easier than speaking about it. It is normal to feel vulnerable and exposed. You are braver than you realise and stronger than you think.

When you share your story with someone close to you it can be overwhelming to them and they may not want to believe what they are hearing. This is not because they do not believe your story, this is because very often our loved ones cannot fathom that something so terrible could happen to someone they care so deeply for. This can be even more difficult for them to hear if they know who the abuser is. Prepare yourself for their reaction too and do not give up on sharing your story because of how someone else may react. This is about you feeling ready to speak up about what has happened to you and setting yourself free from the secrecy and power that it has held over you.

Should you choose to share your story with a professional person i.e. teacher, doctor, social worker, police officer etc. they are bound by the law to report this incident to ensure your future protection. What your wishes are for the future investigation of what happened will be up to you as to whether or not you choose to pursue laying charges or prosecuting. If you are in danger of being harmed again, the right professionals can ensure your safety and protection. Your loved ones will support you in whichever way they can and offer a safe haven if need be.

As much as you may want to take your loved ones childhood trauma experience away, you are unable to and more so, you are unable to rush their recovery. Opening the lines of communication between you and them offers a great deal of support to them, constantly reassuring them that it is safe for them to speak about what happened and ask questions if need to. Acknowledge your child’s worries and fears and comfort them emotionally so that they feel understood and accepted by you. Reassure your child through their entire process. Children need to hear that what happened to them was not their fault and that you love them completely, even though they may feel like they are no longer worth loving. Reassure them through all of their feelings and again come back to acceptance and confirmation of your love of them. Don’t pressure your child into speaking about what happened if they do not wish to share their story. Be available to them for when they do wish to share. Be as honest as you can to them about what will happen to them and their abuser. This can become tricky if the child has forged a bond with their abuser, which is often the case. Do your best to avoid exacerbating their feelings of worry about what will happen in the future. Maintain routine and living as if it were before the incident. There is so much power and security in ‘normality’ and going about the day to day activities. Allow your child to express their feelings, especially if these are intense. You are able to set appropriate boundaries around this such as it is not acceptable for them to hurt themselves or someone else when they feel angry. Create a space for them to get rid of their frustrations and angers in a healthy and productive way i.e. Hitting a pillow. Be as constant as you can in rebuilding trust in your children and creating an environment that feels safe and secure again.

Childhood trauma is a complex matter that impacts children and adults on many levels and filters into all areas of their lives. Having a broad therapeutic background, I understand the psychological and emotional impact trauma has and the commitment and strength it takes to rebuilding lives. However, the most impacting has to be my own experience of abuse, my own survival and recreation of the life I have now. My broken heart has been where yours is, my weary feet have walked a similar path to you and my soul has found its way back to its true self just as yours will. I know which keys unlock the layers of doors you’ve kept hidden and I know exactly how to turn the key so the door opens for eternity, setting you free. Reach out and take my hand, you are not alone.