Marital rape or spousal rape is the act of sex with a partner without consent. Marital and spousal rape is a form of domestic violence and sexual abuse. It is now recognised by the law as wrong and as a crime.

Rape and sexual assault affect people in different ways. Our feelings about our experiences vary and there is no right or wrong response to what you are going through.

You may find that you have very strong feelings about what’s happened and that it lasts for some time. Some of these may include feeling too upset to eat or sleep. You may be tearful or angry suddenly – angry with your attacker, yourself or other people for not protecting you. It’s common to feel ashamed, guilty or embarrassed. You may become afraid of being left alone or feeling unsafe as if your attacker may find you. Often you can experience high levels of anxiety and feel overwhelmed by life. Being physically close to your loved ones, especially your partner can feel uncomfortable as you work through your ordeal.

When you experience a traumatic event like rape, your body may have physical and emotional effects like stomach pain or headaches. You may begin to feel depressed or have panic attacks or flashbacks. If you find yourself wanting to use alcohol or substances to numb yourself, this is a sure sign that you need to speak to someone. If these feelings persist for a long period of time, consider the possibility of having post-traumatic stress disorder.

You begin healing by offering yourself the best level of nurturing and care you can. Be gentle with yourself. If you don’t feel ready to reach out to a professional, then look at the support you have around you. Is there anyone you can speak to who is able to emotionally support you? Often, just speaking about what has happened can lessen your feelings of emotional overload. Choose someone to confide in who you can trust.

Do your best to eat well and sleep regularly to give your body an opportunity to heal. Prepare a calming night time ritual like a hot bath and hot drink before bed. This will comfort you and relax your body. Keep a dull light on so should you wake up, you can see your environment clearly. Surround yourself with those whom you love and feel safe with. It is ok to avoid places and situations that trigger old memories of your ordeal in the short term. Eventually you will begin to face the reality of what happened as part of your recovery. Should this persist long in to the future, it is worth taking guidance from a professional to help you create coping mechanisms so that day to day living feels manageable.

It may be useful to sign yourself up for a self-defense class or another workshop that will empower you and leave you feeling more confident in your ability to protect yourself. This will leave you feeling safer in the world.

Dependent on your decision to press charges against your attacker, you may have a long road ahead of you. Ensure you have the best possible support to make this as stress free an experience as possible.

Join a support group where you can be around people who understand what you are going through and who can show you how far, you too, can come in becoming a survivor.

Be available to listen to your loved one when and if they choose to share their traumatic experience with you. So many rape victims spend their lives believing that they were responsible for what happened to them. The most valuable thing you can say to them is that this was not their fault. It may be hard to hear their story but give them space to share and show them you are listening. You don’t need to have a solution for them, just be there. Ask them if they would like to have a hug for comfort instead of assuming they would. It can be hard to know what to do in a situation like this, so don’t feel afraid to ask your loved one what you can do for them? Often it’s the action you least expect that is meaningful to them.

If your loved one would like to attend the police station, hospital or see a counsellor, you can offer to go with them so that they do not have to go through this alone. If this is something that feels too difficult for you, be honest, then identify someone else who may be able to support them better.

If your loved one suffers from panic attacks, remind them of where they are and reassure them that they are safe. Let your loved one repeat back to you what you are saying and help them to focus on breathing deeply. Stay with them until the feelings have passed.

If your loved one experiences flashbacks or night terrors help support them through this by doing the following: Put a soft light on and speak gently. Tell them that they are having a flashback or night terror, that can feel very real but they are safe with you. Help them to breathe deeply and reassure them. When they are calmer encourage them by explaining that their body is processing what they have been through and it is giving them an opportunity to heal. Be gentle with them and ask them if they need something else from you.

The road to recovery may be a long one, but with unlimited love, patience and support healing can occur. As the bystander, you may find yourself going through your own trauma so take care of you too. If you need someone to help you then allow yourself that opportunity. Read up on rape and how to support rape victims to empower yourself with knowledge, remembering that each process is its own with its own time frame.

If you have been violated in any way you deserve to say so and you deserve for this abuse to stop, if it is still continuing. You don’t need to know how to stop it, or why you don’t feel able stop it, or why you didn’t stop it, all you need to know is where to go to begin to feel safe again. Reaching out for help can feel terrifying, paralyzing even. Be brave, be courageous and take one small step towards your future. Call me and let’s move forward together.

I offer a safe, accepting and supportive environment that allows you to come to terms with what you’ve been through. When the time is right I will support you in moving forward with your life. By ‘moving forward’ I do not mean existing through each day, I mean living fully, joyfully and comfortably with who you are. Becoming the strength of your experience is a truly beautiful thing and walking with me, you will find this space inside of you. I am an example of what you can become, I am a survivor in the truest form. I will show you how to move beyond this.