Sexual assault or sexual abuse experienced by a child has a direct impact on their emotional well-being. Often, the child has trouble identifying, expressing and managing their emotions. For some children, they may have a limited vocabulary so are unable to verbally express the feelings they have inside, instead they act out these feelings through negative behaviours such as hitting, biting and lashing out. Their feelings may become internalised as they withdraw and become overly compliant, leading to depression or high levels of anxiety. The physical aspects of a child can also be impacted on, as sexual assault or sexual abuse affects their developmental and cognitive abilities. This may be exhibited through poor concentration, poor attention and focus, not listening, seeming far away in thought and poor follow through of tasks. The affected child may speak of feeling unsafe in the world through every day activities. Nightmares, night terrors, bedwetting, a fear of being alone or in the dark are also common associations with children who have experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse.

You begin healing by offering yourself the best level of nurturing and care you can. Be gentle with yourself. If you don’t feel ready to reach out to a professional, then look at the support you have around you. Is there anyone you can speak to who is able to emotionally support you? Often, just speaking about what has happened can lessen your feelings of emotional overload. Choose someone to confide in who you can trust.

Do your best to eat well and sleep regularly to give your body an opportunity to heal. Prepare a calming night time ritual like a hot bath and hot drink before bed. This will comfort you and relax your body. Keep a dull light on so should you wake up, you can see your environment clearly. Surround yourself with those whom you love and feel safe with. It is ok to avoid places and situations that trigger old memories of your ordeal in the short term. Eventually you will begin to face the reality of what happened as part of your recovery. Should this persist long in to the future, it is worth taking guidance from a professional to help you create coping mechanisms so that day to day living feels manageable.

Learning to breathe deeply helps to regulate your nervous system, leaving you feeling calmer, less anxious and more in control. Focus on repeating a mantra during your breathing that puts you at ease and reassures you that you are secure i.e.. “I am safe”.

Focus on your ‘here and now’. Don’t allow your mind to get lost in the thoughts of what happened or what could have happened. Remind yourself that in this moment you are safe, going about your daily routine, doing what you do every day. Emphasize the fact that you are safe as many times as you need to reassure yourself.

Journaling your thoughts and emotions, especially if you feel overwhelmed by them, can be a releasing experience. Write freely without censoring yourself by putting the ideas you have in your mind down on paper. Avoid re-reading what you have written, keep yourself moving forward through the feelings so you don’t become trapped by them.

It may be useful to sign yourself up for a self-defense class or another workshop that will empower you and leave you feeling more confident in your ability to protect yourself. This will leave you feeling safer in the world.

Dependent on your decision to press charges against your attacker, you may have a long road ahead of you. Ensure you have the best possible support to make this as stress free an experience as possible.

Join a support group where you can be around people who understand what you are going through and who can show you how far, you too, can come in becoming a survivor.

The most valuable way to help someone who has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused is by being available. Be available to hear your loved one’s story, when and if, they choose to share their experience with you. Often, victims of sexual assault or sexual abuse spend their lives believing that they were responsible for what happened to them. The most loving thing you can say to them is that this was not their fault. It may be hard to hear their story but give them space to share and show them you are listening. You don’t need to have a solution for them, just be there. Ask them if they would like to have a hug for comfort instead of assuming they would. It can be hard to know what to do in a situation like this, so don’t feel afraid to ask your loved one what you can do for them? Often, it’s the action you least expect that is meaningful to them.

If your loved one would like to attend the police station, hospital or see a counsellor, you can offer to go with them so that they do not have to go through this alone. If this is something that feels too difficult for you, be honest, then identify someone else who may be able to support them better.

If your loved one suffers from panic attacks, remind them of where they are and reassure them that they are safe. Let your loved one repeat back to you what you are saying and help them to focus on breathing deeply. Stay with them until the feelings have passed.

If your loved one experiences flashbacks or night terrors help support them through this by doing the following: Put a soft light on and speak gently. Tell them that they are having a flashback or night terror, that can feel very real but they are safe with you. Help them to breathe deeply and reassure them. When they are calmer encourage them by explaining that their body is processing what they have been through and it is giving them an opportunity to heal. Be gentle with them and ask them if they need something else from you.

The road to recovery may be a long one, but with unlimited love, patience and support healing can occur. As the bystander, you may find yourself going through your own trauma so take care of you too. If you need someone to help you then allow yourself that opportunity. Read up on rape and how to support rape victims to empower yourself with knowledge, remembering that each process is its own with its own time frame.

Whatever the details of your sexual trauma or sexual abuse, you are reading this because you are trying to survive. Do not minimise what you have been through by comparing your experience to others. Your experience is your own. It is real to you and it has changed you. There are always things that we can be doing to improve our lives, but when we find ourselves in survival mode, even the simplest of tasks can seem impossible. The truth is, you are not meant to walk this path alone. You are not meant to spend your life in isolation, feeling different, feeling damaged. You are not meant to feel so changed that you forget who you are. These feelings are real when you have faced a fear you could never imagine. This terrible ordeal has happened to you. What now? Now, you take the hand that is offering you strength and comfort until you find your own again. Sexual trauma counselling gives you a place that makes you feel safe to go back into the darkness and put it to rest. You learn to find yourself under layers of darkness and protection. Slowly, with each shaky step you move forward. You begin to see the treasures that were hiding below the paralyzing feelings and begin to rebuild yourself. Rising, rising, rising. Take my hand and rise.